Am I a slave to physics, genetics, and everything else? Is who I am predetermined by a series of interconnected never ending events, that came before me to the point that I interpret as now? Is everything I do my own choice, or just another random reaction from a previous reaction? Was there ever an original action? Am I choosing to write these words, or are there words the result of something else?
Being "Bi-polar" I have come to a conflicting realization. I don't know if I can actually completely communicate this realization into grammar either. It has to do with who I am, and taking it further who we all are. What am I? Who am I? According to the world I am not myself. I was diagnosed as bi polar therefore being bi polar I need to take medication to somehow cancel it out, and be myself. But does popping pills every morning and every afternoon make me my self. Remembering who I was as a kid I didn't need to take anything to keep me happy, or keep me...me.
The last few months I have been in the low cycle of my apparent disorder. Sleeping more, talking less, feeling confused and completely apathetic to all that this world is. So I begin to wonder should I give in and go get some anti depressants from my doctor? Would that make me "normal" again? In moments like these it seams rather desirable. I could be happy. I could be awake more. I could be more social maybe. But would that really be me? Or would that be the me that a society who generalizes everyone and everything wants me to be? Or even better expects me to be!
Is who I am completely a matter of the physics that make up this world? The neuro pathways, and chemicals that make up my brain. Is my consciousness and will within just the result of a matrix of physical matter, that will cease when it finally breaks down? How could my own thoughts be so superficial, when they seam so profound? Is life some sort of joke that I do not understand? Or is that just it. It's all one joke that no one understands, and never will. Society will keep creating a perfect picture, and we will either abide by it or reject it.
And the earth will keep spinning.
